67: The future’s bright...
More phone woes. It all started so innocently, a call from our friendly telecoms provider. ‘We’ve noticed you’re self-employed, have you considered our attractive business packages?’ Well no, actually, I’ve been too busy rustling up dinners for a dozen or so starving skiers and running them to and from the slopes twice a day for the last 5 months, but dangle the prospect of a smart new live-box (the last one is only months old) and I’m hooked. The clincher is the inclusive free calls to the UK; the Boss has unaccountable urges to actually speak with our offspring every blue moon and consequently has learnt to absent herself from the chalet when the tell-tale ‘facture orange’ clunks onto the mat. But I’ve been caught before; will this actually cost me any more, I warily ask? No sir, you’ll be in exactly the same position, just electronically sign here.... There’s one born every minute.
All is quiet for a couple of weeks then things start to happen; I migrate seamlessly to a smart compte-pro on the provider’s website and waste a couple of hours playing with the new bells and whistles. Then day 2, I can’t log in and the nightmare starts; long frustrating hours in automated queues before some technocrat relents and resets my password for me. A week later he calls back, just a courtesy call, is everything OK? Well it’s not actually, I’m glad you’ve called, the card payment machine’s playing up and I have rather a lot of payments to put through. Well Sir, that would be because you can’t actually use a card machine with your new contract, and the line it uses has been terminated. WHAT!? Well that’s not actually a word for word transcription but you get the flavour. Mr Technician hastily decides this is a matter for Sales and bails out..
The next week or so is purgatory laced with classic French farce. I have a number of help-lines to chose from; each produces a menu of options. Chose the wrong option and you’re referred to their website and the call is terminated. Hampton Court has nothing on this maze but with practice I learn a route through and can actually queue for assistance; this is best done sitting on the toilet or making meringues (not both together) with the phone on handsfree. When eventually connected, language remains a barrier. Bitter experience has taught me to prefix each exchange: ‘Excuse me, I don’t speak good French, could you please speak slowly?’ but I may as well save my breath – I must be pronouncing it too well thus belying the words. One frustrating exchange ended with the man at the other end referring me in desperation to their English Language Service; progress you would think, but nothing of the sort; when we eventually hooked up her English was worse than my French (no easy task) and in any case she was unable to help – I needed to speak to Sales!! Expletive deleted.....
Finally I start to get to the nub of the problem; the contract I have unwittingly signed up to makes no provision for card machines (so not much use to your average trader then). So why given that you have full access to my phone history was I sold the package? Well Sir, she tells me with disarming frankness, we have out-sourced commercial sales and have had a few complaints recently... You don’t say. The problem is, your old tariff no longer exists and can’t be reinstated and if we start again it may be 3 weeks before you have an internet connection.... A full and frank exchange of views and I’m moved up to manager level. A deal is brokered where I get a new all-singing/dancing service INCLUDING a line for the card-machine at the rate I was previously paying. A happy ending, I think, and trot off to tell the Boss how her man has triumphed against adversity. So what about the TV? she asks - I should add she has never watched French TV in her life, but as she has rightly pointed out, TV access was included in our cancelled contract and Orange did stump up half the cost of our satellite dish. Back through the maze and could you possibly tack TV access onto that deal? Well no, that’s not possible Sir and suddenly no-one’s returning calls and I’m back in that nightmare...
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